Strange Days… with Dicks!

Its a sunny Saturday afternoon in Scottsdale Arizona. I’m sitting in the living room of my roommates girlfriends house, where a rousing game of Slave should be going on… but its not. (slave is the most racist version of chess ever) But its ok cause her and the family are from Africa! South Africa that is! white people who are technically more African than most blacks… but that’s irrelevant to this story.

So were drinking our hot tea with this wholesome setting of a bunch of devote Jews and me the non-Jew kinda Mexican guy trying to fit in, when my phone gives the ole’ jingle that someones lookin’ to converse with me…

casually I pull my cell outta my pocket and see that its a Message from one of my dear friends! Joy!!

Below is the transcript of ensuing convo…

M-swiss: Hey Espo… Will you please send us a picture of your junk?
Me:     Haha what? Why? Maybe…
M-swiss: How bout yes…. But make sure it’s hard first
Me:     Lol. ok. i guess…
M-Swiss: Nows Good 😉
Me:     Um I’m at Sharri’s house with her mom. Now is Really not good.But Soon… =)
M-swiss: I don’t know of any houses that don’t have bathrooms plus me, Chel-C and Amanda are enjoying margaritas and talking about dicks so now is a great time for us!
Me:     You’ll get your picture soon…

The entire time this is going on I’m trying to participate in a conversation about schools and how great this African tea is…

So me being that guy that’s willing to do anything at least once or twice and it has been a while since I’ve sent someone a picture of my wiener so I said Fuck it! For a second I actually contemplate going into the very modern artsy bathroom of my house guests and doing the deed… but I refrained.

eventually the picture got sent out…

Fast forward 3 hours and a few beers later, myself and the Three who received said picture are at BJ’s Brewery which seems ironic…  anyways the table fills up with more and more people and eventually My “dick pic” is being shown to all at the table.. men, women… children? including out of town friends of roommates and shit… (this is when I realized sending a picture of my junk wasn’t a decision I made based off of much logic but rather boredom)

To save me the embarrassment M-swiss makes an attempt to state that the alleged penis was not mine and in fact belonged to the Late, Great and very Girthy John Holmes… not very convincing considering his dick is the size of a Fuckin’ 747 Jumbo jet to Cessna sized member…

don’t think we fooled anyone but that’s ok cause this incident was only to be upstaged by another awkward moment that had all eyes on me again no more than 5 minutes later…

anways I’ll save that story for another post!

– Espinaca!

huh?

Soo… I’ve never bloged before, I’ve been too busy with both military discipline and horrific tragedy to mess with these interwebs, but stay tuned as I might just post again… when I have something interesting to say… Maybe

so during the party the other night…

so the Halloween party is busy and as the kegs thrice flow wild, we had a fabulous little visit. two twelve year old dudes marched in the front door wearing there most flamboyant skater gear, the taller of the two tweenies asked me “can we get in” in his most mouse like fearing voice. i quickly responded with “so who here do you know?”; from here I figure we can go a couple different ways:

a. he can be truthful with himself and me. (as jesus would have wanted)

b. he could have told me that some random guy in the front yard told them they could come in and were allowed to hang out.

c. he could have thrown out a hail marry and given an effort at lying, something like “johnny from gilbert gave mikey the go ahead on us comin over, its been a while, hows your family doin lately”

now the reality is both a & b get you kicked out with out question. had he given me answer c i would have been a tad more inclined to hand them both a beer on the way back out the front door.  he ended up with the lame answer b. very weak and caused me to engage in one of the most negative experiences those children will ever have experienced, humility was the name of the game for them that night.

1980 something

I was sitting down eating a bowl of one of my all time favorite cereals the other day and started thinking about all the bad-ass cereals I liked as a kid. Awesome cereal and Saturday morning cartoons went hand in hand in the 80’s where every show was just a thirty minute toy commercial and I was so hopped up on sugar I would think I was Ram-Man and run full speed head first into my brother/a wall/anything that was bigger than me. I of course loved the classic mass produced cereals that were so common but I had a real love for the specialty cereals, the ones that were spawned from movies and cartoons and what not. In honor of all this, I give to you my top 25 cereals of all time. (In no particular order.)

G.I. Joe Action Stars(1985): My favorite cartoon and toy was now available to eat! Perfect for those long days of batting the evil forces of COBRA.

Ghostbusters cereal(1985): Another awesome specialty cereal, fruity rings and marshmallows with no sign of Slimer.

Nintendo Cereal System(1988): When this cereal came out I was so into Nintendo you wouldn’t believe. I marked out like a little girl when I saw this shit and ate it every day for like two years.

Fruit Islands(1987): These were bomb, think cookie crisp but fruit flavored. Their character was King Ayummayumma and he was a fat son of a bitch. I loved this cereal for the short time it was out but I had to eat it secretly. My brother would always call me yumma yumma whenever he saw me, insinuating that I too was a fat son of a bitch. The last I ever saw of the king and his manservant Ha Ha, they were lost at sea trying to find their way back to the islands, a commercial cliffhanger that was never resolved. I imagine that fat fuck is still lost.

Nerds(1985): Nerds for breakfast sounded like the greatest idea ever. It was in fact not the greatest idea ever but damn close. 2 sides of the box with two flavors, just like the candy. Brilliant.

I have decided to break this up into segments of five or else this will be the longest blog ever.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment!

D.U.I.

In November of 2001 the Arizona Diamondbacks were playing in the World Series against the New York Yankees. It was one of the greatest series ever played, going back and forth until the very end. I was watching game 4 with my friend Matt at a great bar called Teakwoods in Chandler. Diamondbacks pitcher Byun Hun Kim blew the game for the second consecutive night and we were pissed. So pissed we decided the only thing to do was drink several pitchers of beer and as many Patron shots as possible. Once we decided that we had drank enough to sufficiently drive home without remembering any of the ride, we left Teakwoods in Matt’s truck. Upon our arrival at the house I promptly threw my roommate Chris out of his chair at the computer and into a wall, this of course being the proper way to greet a friend when hammered off tequila. Several people were at the house having a great time, lots of friends, lots of ladies. Matt passed out as soon as he hit the couch, I on the other hand was ready to party. One of my roommates, Melissa, took me aside to tell me about a conversation she had with my ex girlfriend and how she had cheated on me several times. This news upset me, so when I was offered the chance to go home with a couple of girl’s who were rolling on E I naturally accepted. I didn’t want to ride with the girls for fear of being stuck somewhere if it got uncomfortable or lame, so I decided to drive. My car was blocked in by several others, so I took Matt’s keys, a couple beers and off I went. By the time I realized what was going on I was almost to the girl’s place. I was doing 75 down Ray Rd. and listening to Hed(pe). I noticed how fast I was going and slowed it down to 50, then I tilted my head back to enjoy my frosty beverage and noticed a Police cruiser right behind me. BWEEEOOOOO! went the siren and flashing lights. Crap! He’ll never let me finish this second beer, I thought to myself. I pulled over and the officer asked for license and registration, stupid question since I had neither with me. The officer asked me about the strange multi colored glass jar he had seen fall from the glove compartment while I was searching for Matt’s Insurance info. “You never mind that, it’s not important” I told the piggy. He asked me out of the truck and I obliged. He asked me to step to the back of the truck and I obliged. He asked me to walked a straight line and I almost fell over. I casually leaned back against the truck and inquired if I were to admit being drunk would I still have to play all these silly games and he said “no, just turn around so I can put these handcuffs on you.” HA HA! I win! Wait, no I think I may have screwed myself.

The officer went back to the truck and poured out my open beer and left the full one on the sidewalk, my only consolation was the thought it would still be there waiting for me whenever I could come back.(It wasn’t, by the way) He also opened the glove compartment to find the glass jar, opened it and took a healthy wiff of it’s contents. When he came back to the car he told me he knew what was kept in there, “blueberry jam?” I asked. “If that’s what they’re calling it these days, he said. During this time the two girls on E must have wondered where I was because they showed up looking for me. Not satisfied with me being under arrest they decided to talk to the officer and try to get him to let me go. Not a good idea. One girl tried flashing him while the other tried rubbing on his arm, I’m pretty sure she was trying to steal his gun but it was dark and I was drunk. The girls failed in freeing me and the officer sent them on their way, I was going to jail!

To be continued….