Author: espinaca

Quite possibly the most bad ass motherfucker at Del Rio

Epic Road Trip 09! Coachella Fest in California!!

If your going to Coachella tomorrow! here are some things you should keep in mind and also… the 411.

  1. We will be meeting at Del Rio around 8AM (If you dont know where Del Rio is You better ask somebody!)
  2. We will take two cars… Chad Finks and Amanda G’s. They will need Gas money!
  3. We will be staying at my moms house.

BE THERE AT 8!

Things to bring…

  • Booze
  • Beer
  • Camera
  • SunBlock
  • CDs for the Road trip!
  • Mixers for the booze
  • Clothes! the weather is almost identical to AZ but it gets a little cold at night… girls.
  • Snacks
  • Cash Money
  • (Guys) Sleeping bags.

We will Jam the fuck out there as soon as I get back from my epic man run of bad ass things and we will get back sometime sunday night as I believe all attending have to work monday.

If you have questions call me!

– Spinaca

P.S. be prepared to rock the fuck out!

Scorpion Death Battle part .2

It was a cold dark night in the early days of 2009… I was transitioning to a new home… moving in my effects and what not… moving in some pieces of my desk into the new office when I sensed a presence, I was not alone. as smoke started to billow up and build around me the lights started to flicker and dim… I had that feeling in my gut that you get right before some intense shit is about to go down… it was then as the smoke started to clear that my opponent presented himself. looming above me was the stinger and in front of me the claw like appendages of certain death… I wasn’t prepared for this… and this Motherfucker knew this… he was relying on the element of surprise and the fact that I despise his kind and his VERY existence… I found myself face to face with a Giant Scorpion… aka natures perfect killing machine…

Suddenly the support bar for my desk that I was holding had a new meaning… a greater purpose… I was now wielding a Scorpion Battle stick, It was with this weapon that I would protect my life and vanquish my ancient foe… our eyes were locked. we both shared the same thoughts at that moment.. we shared the same truth… when this encounter was done… only one of us would remain standing… I crept forward, he scurried towards me… Engaged in heat of battle I let out a war cry! The Tension between us was broken with the crack of my weapon on his hard armored back. He reared back in pain. my opponent was paralyzed with pain. this was my moment i realized… If I was going to survive this night I needed to end this now! Taking advantage of his moment of weakness I proceeded to bash the shit out of him until his Lethal tail feel from his armored body… I had severely handicapped him, He knew he was in trouble as he started to retreat into my closet… I would not stand for this and continued my assault on this creature of pure evil. as he lay lifeless next to his dismembered tail I breathed a sigh of relief. I dropped my weapon and headed off to the showers to cleanse my self of the scent of battle…

as I headed out I forgot my pair of epic boxer shorts and headed back to the room to retrieve them I was shocked… my fallen enemy had returned from the dead! his now zombified corpse had returned from the dead for some sadistic reason? maybe he still and some sick and twisted purpose in life to fulfill? regardless He would not fulfill any goal except that of perishing again… his tailless body was dragging along the floor seeking safe haven… I picked up my weapon again and began a second assault… and before I continue let me state… If you’ve ever played a video game and you kill the boss only to have him return as a zombie/cyborg/super version of the original boss with twice as much life!!! This was that situation! so here I am fatigued from battle up against a Supercharged Zombie Scorpion…

Fortunately Zombies are slow as hell and I am rather fast on my feet so I made short work of this bastard but It took many many blows for him to finally fall… reduced to dust my opponent was truly defeated now… Once again dropped my weapon and headed off to the showers… Truly a bad ass and master of my own domain…

That is all for now.

Flashing lights… that are lamer than Kanye West

Its 8:30PM and I’ve been cruising at 100 MPH for the past two hours on my way home from CA…  reminiscing of the awesome times I had when I enter into the outer “cusp” of Phoenix. trying to avoid a pesky 92′ Honda with exhaust and two Mexican drivers My attention is suddenly diverted… to the Flashing lights that have instantly transformed me from a competent non blind driver… to the blind kamikaze pilot of a 2,000lb black death machine barreling down the freeway at 100 miles per hour!

I quickly redeem my composure and maneuver out of the shoulder back onto the freeway… I think to myself “FUCK! I was good with money this weekend and I’m welcomed back to AZ with a $200 speeding ticket!”

The anger in me quickly subsides when I realize… I wont pay the ticket anyways. However as I travel closer to my town of residence (Tempe) I am subsequently blinded every mile or so by these horrible Speed Camera “Death Trap” Machines. Phoenix is literally littered with these fucking speed cameras… they remind me of some shit out of 1984…  Large tubular arms of conduit holding at their ends massive cameras and flashes, in clusters… of course so they can get you in either direction. little pods of Cameras sprinkled every mile or two along the sides of the freeway… Policing all drivers 24/7, no need for the cops on the side of the road. we have robots that take our pictures and mail us tickets.


Horrible...
Horrible...

Worse...
Worse...

I have never wanted to move away from phoenix. until now.

Is it really smart to blind the person who is driving 100+mph? Hell no! are you really preventing accidents? or just cashing in? I’m surprised there has not been a lawsuit yet in regards to people who are going “a few over” that are caught by the “flashing lights” and then proceeds to plow into the mini van it was trying to pass and killing half of the 8-yr old cheer squad…

here’s the breakdown of this weekend…

  • Gas: $63
  • Hiking costs: $20
  • Book at borders: $20
  • Supplies from Walmart A.KA “murder depot”: $38
  • Movies: $20.50
  • Cheesecake factory: $33
  • Dads Birthday card : $4
  • “Food”:$50
  • 3 Speeding tickets: $400 – $600


I just paid a shit ton of money for a couple of shitty pictures of myself driving my car and to experience the terror that only Stevie Wonder would know should he some how find himself behind the wheel of a speeding car… I will surely not be able to afford to pay these tickets and KNOW this will come back to haunt me in 3 yrs when I’m labeled as “The guy with 100K in tickets” Anyways Keep an eye out on Facebook or whatever else I whore myself out on for the debut of my “action driving” Photo… it will be the priciest default picture Ive got. Sure to please….

– Espinaca!

Strange Days… with Dicks!

Its a sunny Saturday afternoon in Scottsdale Arizona. I’m sitting in the living room of my roommates girlfriends house, where a rousing game of Slave should be going on… but its not. (slave is the most racist version of chess ever) But its ok cause her and the family are from Africa! South Africa that is! white people who are technically more African than most blacks… but that’s irrelevant to this story.

So were drinking our hot tea with this wholesome setting of a bunch of devote Jews and me the non-Jew kinda Mexican guy trying to fit in, when my phone gives the ole’ jingle that someones lookin’ to converse with me…

casually I pull my cell outta my pocket and see that its a Message from one of my dear friends! Joy!!

Below is the transcript of ensuing convo…

M-swiss: Hey Espo… Will you please send us a picture of your junk?
Me:     Haha what? Why? Maybe…
M-swiss: How bout yes…. But make sure it’s hard first
Me:     Lol. ok. i guess…
M-Swiss: Nows Good 😉
Me:     Um I’m at Sharri’s house with her mom. Now is Really not good.But Soon… =)
M-swiss: I don’t know of any houses that don’t have bathrooms plus me, Chel-C and Amanda are enjoying margaritas and talking about dicks so now is a great time for us!
Me:     You’ll get your picture soon…

The entire time this is going on I’m trying to participate in a conversation about schools and how great this African tea is…

So me being that guy that’s willing to do anything at least once or twice and it has been a while since I’ve sent someone a picture of my wiener so I said Fuck it! For a second I actually contemplate going into the very modern artsy bathroom of my house guests and doing the deed… but I refrained.

eventually the picture got sent out…

Fast forward 3 hours and a few beers later, myself and the Three who received said picture are at BJ’s Brewery which seems ironic…  anyways the table fills up with more and more people and eventually My “dick pic” is being shown to all at the table.. men, women… children? including out of town friends of roommates and shit… (this is when I realized sending a picture of my junk wasn’t a decision I made based off of much logic but rather boredom)

To save me the embarrassment M-swiss makes an attempt to state that the alleged penis was not mine and in fact belonged to the Late, Great and very Girthy John Holmes… not very convincing considering his dick is the size of a Fuckin’ 747 Jumbo jet to Cessna sized member…

don’t think we fooled anyone but that’s ok cause this incident was only to be upstaged by another awkward moment that had all eyes on me again no more than 5 minutes later…

anways I’ll save that story for another post!

– Espinaca!

The Stuntman… Possible side effects?!?!?

So lately… Ive been drinking with some of my friends one specific shot… The stuntman, now we have been “enjoying” these alcoholic treats with minimal after thought or worry… Well I think thats about to change… I have observed some strange side effects over the past week that I believe have a direct relation to the stuntman shot….

Observation 1: I have a friend… as far as I know it… hes Male.. but over the past week i’ve come to question that aspect of him…. This guy at first was a little hesitant to do a stuntman… (generally men with small members are a little wary about doing this) as of late he has become a Giant “Vag”. since ingesting this liquid concoction he has bailed on his homies twice… It is also believed that their may be some renegade sand in his vag as well…. (on a side note I also have conclusive evidence of this person watching the movie Nanny Diaries) In this gentleman’s case the Vagification process may have spread to far for us to reverse it… only time will tell.

Observation 2: This morning I woke up with a black eye…. did I get in a fight? no. Did I fall? maybe, but not on my eyeball. Initially I had nooo Fucking clue as to how I got this shit, after a little thought though… the Black eye is the eye that I did squeeze lime in last night… Maybe… now just maybe.. the shot is starting to take its toll on me. maybe my eyeball just ain’t what it used to be? but what I do know is that I have a black eye and the only thing near my eye was lime juice, chew on that for a while…

Observation 3: Another distinguished gentleman who despite his decrepit age can amazingly hang with the younger guys… I like to refer to him as an “Active Adult”. So after rallying us to do a round of stuntmen last night, He almost instantly becomes ill with cramps… he was also heard saying he had to throw up. So hes having menstrual cramps and morning sickness now… I pray that this passes and he does not succumb to the Vag effect.

Now I know my personal experience (observation 2) does not bear any effect on my manhood or make me a pussy… but Its still a side effect…

This morning the office in Chicago has undertaken the task of a 10 year study in to the effects of salt in the nasal passage, lime juice in the retina and the exact level of estrogen in Tequila. While these test are being ran and examined it is advised to stay away from the stuntman for the time being… for fear of an epidemic of drunken pussies overtaking the city and Nanny Diaries becoming the #1 movie in America…

For the time being the most immediate cure for the Stuntman with what we have seen the best results in reversing the Vagification process is a bottle of Uncle Toms whiskey, once aquired you will need to down the whole fucking bottle… now you may feel some burning in the crotch.. dont be alarmed.. thats just your manhood returning… Below is a picture of the final stages of the De-vagification process.

If there are any other side effects that have been observed that were not mentioned in this article please contact me so that I may let the office in Chicago know about your findings…

Together we can stop this epidemic and put Vaginitis on the shelf with small pox and the black plague… as a curable disease.

N.R.B Vs. Morning Wood…. The final showdown

So I was having a casual conversation tonight about Penis’s and whatnot (with a female) when it dawned on me… which is better? the N.R.B or the infamous Morning wood? they both have their pro’s and con’s… so lets dissect these two amazing and mythical forms of the age old Boner.

Definitions:

N.R.B or No Reason Boner: The N.R.B is a naturally occurring phenomena some say older than time itself… now you may have first encountered this sudden and immediate formation at a young age while at church or at school… Generally a NRB occurs in the most inappropriate of times… for the author they occur while in meetings, when im hot or when Im tired (it is questionable if the tired NRB is actually a premature morning wood in disguise) and somtimes when I’m bored and not thinking about sex…

However the N.R.B has its moments When your with a chick and you get one (usually a NRB is what we classify as a “Rager” or a Boner that constantly grows with Velocity and only stops when it is 100% at max capacity and in its most deadly form) Chicks Dig N.R.B’s!!! it turns them on pretty hardcore… cause they think that you hanging out with them at the mall gives you a boner… makes em feel hot cause they think they caused it… when the truth is… there is no reason why you have that boner…

Morning Wood: a.k.a. Natures alarm clock… Originally discovered by the vikings this form of boner is pretty universally known, in Fact if you don’t get at least 3 morning woods a day you should see a doctor cause their is probably something wrong with your penis….

Now the reasons why morning wood are great are pretty obvious…. if theirs a chick in the bed with you… (or if your really fucking weird and theirs a guy…..ewwww… you sick fuck.) you wake up via morning wood and than you roll over and “wake” her up with your little morning gift. alternative perks include but are not limited to: morning head, additional sleep time (you cant get outta bed with a huge boner right?) and the rusty trombone…. google it or some shit… I don’t even know what it means…

Downsides to the morning wood include, premature awakening and embaressing moments when sleeping over on a friends couch.

How to Avoid Awkward situations with either of these two “types” of Boner…

N.R.B.: If your at school walk out of class with your backpack/notebook in front of you… When im in meetings I try to push that shit down but that only makes it worse… ignore it and it will go away… hopefully before the meeting is over. Also the guys that carry that gay little leather briefcase folder thingy have nothing in them, they are just used to disguise their chronic N.R.B. problems. In extreme cases… Look at a guy…(I never take it to this extreme cause I am straight)

Morning Wood: Roll Over, or Go into the bathroom real quick… everyones sleeping anyways. Think of a guy (Again, I’ve never resorted to this method)

Now that I have pointed out the best and worst features of aforementioned pant formations… Which is better?

Both!

They are equally important and integral to the prosperity of man… cause you know the old saying..

“A man with a giant boner is a happier man than one without”

So next time you encounter one of these mythical beasts… don’t question its origin or curse its inappropriateness. enjoy it and appreciate the fact that you can still get it up. So enjoy your boners and keep them as far away from other men as humanly possible.