Author: jgray

412 days….it doesn’t even seem possible. I can hardly believe it. 9,888 hours. That’s over one full year. One year since I’ve given you anything. Well, your wait is over and I know it’s loooong overdue….welcome, one and all, to the excellence in blogging known simply as Shades of Gray.

So ummmm…uhhhh…what’s up?
You’d think that after a damn year I’d have tons to write about, and I do. Too much really. I guess that’s a good thing, means I can actually post several blogs for the first time a while. I’m thinking about top 10 lists and maybe even an “Ask JGray” sort of thing so I’m definitely gonna need feedback. But enough bullshitting, you people came here for an epic vacation!

I had decided that it’s been way too long since my last real vacation after listening to my roommates Mara and Chelsea planning their trip to Florida to see Lee and Drewballs. After many minutes, I came to the conclusion that New York was the spot and that my old pal Joe Johnson would be the lucky bastard that got to bask in my presence. A quick email confirmed what I already knew, Joe was overcome with joy that I chose New York and of course he would take some vacation time as well. There is also a VERY strong chance that Joe wet himself he was so happy, but that’s just purely speculation.

I was partially dreading the trip on the morning I was to leave, partly because I’m not a fan of flying, but mostly because I wasn’t looking forward to what was sure to be the worst security experience of my life since this was the 10 year anniversary weekend of 9/11. I got to the airport and quickly realized that the good folks who run Sky Harbor International hate everyone and want us all to die. You see, apparently they don’t feel the need to provide air conditioning for a giant cement box that sits in the middle of the fucking desert! I made my way to security, hoping for the TSA agent with the most slender hands and wrists, put my bag and contents of my pockets on the conveyor belt then stepped through the metal detector. “Have a nice flight” was all that the agent said to me…that’s it. For 10 years I’ve been “randomly” pulled for extra searching in every airport I’ve been to. From Phoenix to Orange County to Denver to Las Vegas to Chicago to Mexico and back. And just when I expect it to be the absolute worst, it’s easier than ever. After that, I knew it was going to be a good trip.

I’m going to have to break this into multiple parts because I’m running out of time, be sure to check back soon for Epic Vacation Part 2: Vacation Harder!

also can’t forget my pic of the day…

A high speed motorcycle chase is under way through the crowded streets of New York, in the lead are two members of Japan’s notorious Yakuza, a deadly organized crime syndicate known for their ruthless aggression. Following closely and gaining more ground each and every second, his Ducati 1100 EVO SP carving the pavement like your mom through lasagna, our hero pulls a semi-automatic micro uzi and opens fire on the men who raped and killed his woman. The first spray of bullets find their mark with spectacular acuracy, the kind of aim only the most epic of men possess. As the bullets tear through the leather jacket, then tattooed flesh of this piece of Yakuza shit he loses control of his bike and slams full speed into an oncoming city bus, exploding on contact and sending terrified citizens screaming in all directions. As much as our hero would love to stop and admire the demise of his sworn enemy, he knows that one remains and he shall not escape his destiny. Of death. Accelerating down a side alley he sees his final victim leaving his bike and ducking inside an abandoned warehouse in which their final showdown no doubt awaits. As soon as our hero enters the warehouse he is greeted by a hail of gunfire, sending him diving for cover behind what he soon realizes are several large containers of fuel that someone has inexplicably left behind in the abandoned building. “Oh balls” our hero says to himself as a round of bullets pierce the containers, spraying fuel across the concrete floor. He dashes from behind his precarious protection, opening fire and sending his enemy scurrying up a ladder leading to a catwalk high above the ground while explosions rock in his wake, sending our hero shoulder first into a solid brick wall, nearly knocking him cold. Struggling to his feet, our hero forces himself up the ladder, determined not to let his enemy escape. As he reaches the catwalk he is kicked from out of nowhere, sending his uzi to the ground below and leaving him defenseless. Except not. Our hero is a master of all types of hand to hand combat, like Snake Eyes only way cooler. With lightning quick speed he grabs his enemies leg and pulls him from the catwalk, leaving the Yakuza hanging from one arm while being beaten from our hero as he too hangs from one arm. An explosion, followed by an even greater explosion rock the building, dislodging the catwalk and causing it to snap in half, one half crashing to the ground. Our hero manages to pull himself to relative safety and offers his hand to the Yakuza, “Take it!” he yells. As the cowardly Yakuza reaches for his hand our hero smirks, takes the hand away and stomps on his fingers causing him fall, impaling himself upon the twisted metal below. “Psyche.” our hero says before pulling himself together and realizing he only has moments until this building comes down. He sprints through the warehouse, explosion after explosion going off all around him until there is nothing left. Outside the building dozens of Police and Firefighters have gathered, trying to make sense of the damage and shielding their eyes from the flames. “Wait! Look!” one of the Police yells, pointing his finger towards the blaze. Walking slowly through the smoke and ash with a slight limp we see the rugged silhouette of a man whose mission has been accomplished. “What the hell happened here?” an officer demands to know. “Vengeance happened here.” our hero replies, not even stopping to look at the policeman. “At least tell us your name!” the officer says. Our hero turns towards the rookie, weary from battle, and says “They call me JGray.” Another explosion. Guitar solo.

YEAH! Now that’s how you open up an epic summer blockbuster motherfuckers! Welcome back once again to Shades of Gray, the blog that makes your little sister think dirty thoughts and touch herself at night. I of course am JGray and it’s soooo good to be back!

Been doing a lot of interweb reading while at work lately and there’s some crazy stuff going on as usual…a company called PayNearMe has started a payment system that lets Facebook users buy credits for virtual goods for their gay fucking “Farmville” farms at 7-11 stores around the country. I knew people were into these Farmville things (mostly because I get about 93 updates and requests about them every day) but I had no idea people were paying for this shit. As a matter of fact, so many of you brain damaged bastards are paying for this swill that Zynga, the company behind “Farmville”, is expected to make more than $450 million off of virtual purchases alone. DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! $450 million on virtual pigs and fucking owls and shit! Or whatever, it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I am extremely pissed I didn’t figure out how to rip you F-Tards off first.

Early Man of the Decade candidate Professor Mark van Vugt from the University of Amsterdam has used his amazing science brain to determine that men weigh up potential partners almost instantaneously(generally in just milliseconds) based on their appearance because their “ancient” genetic preference for attractive mates leads them to. 

According to research, a woman with an attractive face is taken by men to be fertile and able to continue the family line, appealing to the man’s survival instinct. Prof van Vugt said: “Men definitely have the most wandering eye but it is because they have evolved to pay attention to cues of fertility and one of those cues is facial beauty – it’s not that men are shallow.” “This is something very ancient and a way of helping men find the best mate to produce children.” The man is a damn genius, we now know that we can’t help but check out hot chicks…we have to.

Well, I guess I’ve written enough. Here’s your pic of the day!

Welcome to Shades of Gray, the blog you know you’ve been missing for the longest time. I of course am your momma’s man, JGray. Soooo much to write about, hard to believe it’s been about a year since my last post!

I was rocking the Stumble today and came across a little gem of awesome I felt I had to share. Magdalena Kwiatkowska is from Poland. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh man, she’s probably a DUMB bitch!”, but I say listen to the facts, hear me out and then make an informed assumption on her mental state.

It seems that the Kwiatkowska family recently took a vacation to Egypt where their 13 year old daughter used the hotel swimming pool quite a bit. Upon returning home the Kwiatkowska’s discovered their little angel was pregnant, and Magdalena, being the brilliant one in the family, demanded compensation from the hotel where they stayed. What’s that? Why would she demand compensation from the hotel you ask? Well silly, here’s why… Moms deducted that the only way her precious could have possibly gotten pregnant is from the swimming pool where she spent so much time. Tourist authorities in Warsaw confirmed they had received the complaint which states that the girl conceived because of stray sperm in the pool. *sigh* It should hurt to be so damned stupid.

Read about Marv Albert throwing down with 50 Cents entourage at the Jimmy Kimmel show the other night and I started thinking, is there anyone more gangster than Marv fucking albert? I mean really… I think Marv Albert is actually black, he may be the blackest man on the planet. Dude is at every basketball game, was arrested for raping a chick in her ass AND biting the fuck out of her back (which he somehow avoided jail time OJ style) and now this. I’m pretty sure 50 cents peeps are trying to cover this whole thing up, not because they’re embarrassed for not recognizing Marv but because Marv bitch slapped every last one of them until they cried. There’s more to this story than the media is letting on people and I’m going to uncover the truth!

Keeping this one short since I’ve been away so long but am definitely going to try going back to the almost daily routine, we’ll see how it goes. In honor of our countries ongoing recession and the disturbing number of people losing their jobs every day (I should know) I leave you with my pic of the day, enjoy!

Holy flucking schnidt people, it’s been a long damn time. Welcome once again to Shades of Gray, the only blog bringing light into your your dismal little world.

First things first I have to say R.I.P. to the one and only Bettie Page, she was definitely light years ahead of her time and was mad sexy yo. To be completely honest I didn’t even know she was still alive and figured she had been dead for quite some time but whatever.

It’s strange but I haven’t had much to write about recently, everything has been kinda blah.

I did have the opportunity to once again attend the GoDaddy.com Holiday party extravaganza super blow-out 6000 though. That was pretty entertaining. For the second year in a row I was lucky enough to meet the one and only Candice Michelle( it’s my blog dammit and that is the pic I choose, to hell with you!) and of course I couldn’t resist shaking hands with the drunkest man in Phoenix Mr. Bob Parsons, pictured here wiping his ass with a 100 dollar bill. I did stay away from uber-cunt Danica Patrick though, because quite frankly I didn’t want to subject myself to being in the presence of such a shitty bitch. The girl is in serious need of a big-time donkey punch.

I have noticed a lot of gayness going around lately and I just want to reassure you, my adoring public, that JGray will never do any of these purely homosexual and non man like things:

1) I will never blow-dry my hair, the only acceptable times my hair shall be blown dry are if I’m ever standing up to a hurricane or testing jet-packs in a wind tunnel.

2) I will never use Chapstick. Period. My lips could be dry and cracked and wind-burnt like a mother fucker after standing up to a hurricane but I will not use Chapstick.

3) I will never drive a Mazda Miatta.

4) I will never use the term “tinkle” to describe when I must pee. The only acceptable terms will be “piss”, “leak” and on occasion “urinate”.

Thank you and have a wonderful day.

After a longer than expected lay-off due to the new job, Shades of Gray is back like Espo’s herpes! Valtrex son, for real.

Happy Thanksgiving! As I’m writing this, I do so with a heavy heart, my Detroit Lions are being ass-fucked by the Titans and a 0-16 season seems quite likely.

Speaking of ass! The notorious “Butt Bandit” of Valentine, Nebraska  has finally been captured, ending his nearly two year reign of terror on the tiny town of 2,600. I personally can see how the dude probably was drunk and did it one night thinking it was the funniest shit ever, but to continue for almost two years is just wierd. Unless of course it was his drunken tradition, maybe it brought him good luck, who are we to judge?

Remember the 8 year old in Flagstaff that shot his Dad and Dad’s friend? Well, apparently the little fucker planned the murders. He told protective services that he had been spanked 5 times the night before and that he vowed his 1,000th spanking would be his last. Oh yeah, he kept a piece of paper with all the spankings tallied in his room. Caution, *RANT* coming. Why the fuck are kids such pussy little faggots these days? Kids pick on other kids, parents spank their children, Mr. Williams down the street cups your balls while he slips a Jolly Rancher in your pocket and makes you promise that “it’s our little secret”….um… well, that last one is just a random example, stop looking at me like that. My point is shit happens. Shooting up schools because a bully messed with you or killing your parents because you got a little spanking is fucking nuts. Shit, I’m scared as fuck to have kids, little assholes will gang up and whack me in my sleep by the time they’re six. It’s getting to the point that you either have to give them every little thing they want and demand or be able to tell early on if they’re going to be good looking, popular and athletic when they grow up. If they are not going to be any of those things, just flush the little brats and get to making a new one.

I would like to say to Chad Finkelstein that I am glad you’re ok bro, stop driving like an ass.

And to Espo, I’m sorry for my insensitive herpes comment. Seriously dude, you can hardly notice them. Also, I hope my pic of the day does not bring back too many horrible memories.

Pic of the Day!

Welcome one and all to Shades of Gray, epicdelrio.com’s kind of daily blog that fights global injustice one elderly stripper at a time.

OK, I’m not totally for or against Cougar Nation, as you can see there are positives and negatives just like any group of girls. But damn, if a 44 year old woman wants to give lap dances for a living then I say “Hell yes!” This is just another in an astoundingly long list of things that Canadians do wrong, hey, thanks for hockey assholes! From here on out I shall refer to the stripper as Cougs McTittieboobs because her real name is impossible to pronounce since it’s Canadian and therefor dumb. Cougs McTittieboobs claims she was fired from her adult entertainment gig in which she earns $8,000 a month(I’m not sure if that’s real money or that Monopoly shit they use up north) because the owner decided he wanted to “Go in another direction with younger girls.”  Now I’m all for getting as many young naked girls together as possible and maybe I have these Canucks pegged wrong(although I doubt it) but if this bitch is able to pull in 8 grand a month then she’s doing something right and therefor creating business and other revenue streams for your shitty strip club(beer, smokes, breathmints,etc.). I hope Cougs McTittieboobs wins her discrimination suit and continues to dance as long as she wants. By the way, were you aware that in Canada milk comes in bags?

I just had to share this with the world, yum.

Just in case no one believed the above Public Service Announcement so thoughtfully provided by your friends at Shades of Gray, here’s fucking proof. And just to prove how much better we are than everyone else, here’s some good old American milk bags.

For anyone who missed it today is the 30th anniversary of the “People’s Temple Agricultural Project” mass suicide, better known as Jonestown. I’m not going to go too far into it because I think everyone should read about it for themselve’s if they haven’t already. Basically Jim Jones was an American Communist and therefor loved having large men pound his asshole till it bled. Jimmy formed his own following, or cult as it were and persuaded the Guyanese Government to lease him land for a settlement. Long story short, Jim got ill and knew he was going to die soon and brainwashed his crew into believing if they all committed “revolutionary suicide” they could change the world. Some people tried to defect when Congressman Leo Ryan showed up to check the place out and Jim had them and the Congressman murdered. Jim’s sheep then lined up one by one and drank from a metal vat filled with purple Flavor-Aid(which is delicious and damn near impossible to turn down), some mother’s even using syringes to feed the delicious genocide juice to their infants. Jim decided not to drink after witnessing the agonizing death’s his apocalyptic punch and shot himself. All in all 918 people died that day in what was the greatest single loss of American civilian life in a non-natural disaster until September, 11 2001. Leo Ryan is the only Congressman murdered in the line of duty. Fun Fact: The People’s Temple originated in Indiana, which proves my point that Indiana sucks and should be moved to Canada.

I wrote a lot more about that than I meant to but it’s damn interesting stuff.

Pic of the Day!

Wooo! Welcome to Shades of Gray, today will be a lot more positive than last nights post, it’s time to celebrate peoples!

As many of the fine folks who read this most awesome blog know, I am awesome. Yes, even more awesome than this, and this, and this, and this but just barely. What many people do not know however is that even someone as awesome as myself can suffer hardship. A few months back I was laid off and have had one hell of a time finding work in this bullshit economy, well jobless bum no more ‘cuz daddy got a job bitch! I’m not really going to go much further with it but I wanted to get that out of the way.

By the way, for anyone thinking “Damn J, you’re an asshole for thinking you’re so much more awesome than everyone and everything, there’s no way you are even as remotely awesome as Jesus riding a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” Well to you I say fuck off. I am however humble enough to admit that I still am not as awesome as this kid.

I would like to go on record now by saying that I agree 100% with Gov. Dave Heineman when he says “Please don’t bring your teenager to Nebraska.” For fuck’s sake, at least drop them off somewhere cool like Iowa.

Last but not least today I would like to talk about Maxie L. Davis of Fort Pierce, Florida. On Sunday, Nov. 10th, Mr. Davis was entertaining his ex-girlfriend when he needed to leave his apartment to pick up some crack. While he was running this errand the lady friend decided to help herself to a can of sardines and a can of Vienna Sausages. Upon returning home Maxie became agitated to discover his delicious bounty devoured and proceeded to advise she not disrespect him in his own house by punching her several times. I for one applaud Mr. Davis for standing up for what’s just plain right and refusing to be a victim. House guests overstep their boundaries far too often and take advantage of their generous hosts, this is a man who left her in the comfort of his home to obtain some savory crack cocaine which he intended to share with the ungrateful little mud duck, and she shows her gratitude by eating his fine foods without even asking. And what happens to Maxie? That’s right, he’s thrown in jail. Well I say bravo Maxie L. Davis, you are a true champion of good and Shades of Gray’s first ever Hero of the Week, you earned it my friend.

This Shades of Gray is going to be considerably less fun and light-hearted than usual, bear with me.

My oldest brother Steve loves me to death. I know this because he’s told me more times than I can remember. Steve took care of me quite a bit when I was a kid, the side effect of having a Mom who had to work and being 15 or so when she has a baby. Steve did messed up things while babysitting, he’d have his friends over and they would get fucked up while I was in the crib. When I’d cry they’d blow bong hits in my face, when I was teething they rubbed coke on my gums, I’m even told I was slipped a bit of acid one time. I’m surprisingly not too upset at this (hell, who else can legitimately claim they’ve been partying since 2 years old) I’m not upset because I know Steve didn’t mean any harm, he’s just stupid. Steve had a string of addictions up til the 80’s when he kicked them all and started drinking as a crutch. I can’t ever recall Steve being sober, he’s always been drunk and rarely fun to be around, mind you I said rarely and not never. When I was 7 he bought me a pair of the first Air Jordan’s and a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket, those shit’s were sweet son. When I was 12 he offered to take me to Van Buren and get me a whore, he said he could make me a condom out of an old inner-tube so “nothing could get through that fucker!” I declined the offer. When I was 17 he told me he was going to fuck my girlfriend because I mouthed off to him, we went outside in the snow and I knocked his drunk ass out. Twice. In 1999 he pissed me off so bad I decided I would never talk to him again, that lasted until 2006. I spent a few hours getting drunk with him in a hotel bar, it was one of the saddest days of my life. It was also the last time I spoke to him. Steve’s health had deteriorated pretty bad, he was just a mess, most of the time I’ve known Steve I’ve known he needs help. Thing is, he doesn’t know it, he’s just stupid. Today I found out Steve is homeless, living in a shelter in Las Vegas, it doesn’t surprise me but it does break my heart. All his possessions gone, his Van, his tools, his clothes, his will to live and he still refuses the help he desperately needs. All he wants is some cash so he can get a motel room, a thirty rack of Bud and a bottle of Jack. Steve’s going to die in one of those rooms one night, hammered and alone and it sucks. It sucks because I love my big brother and I can’t help him. He’s just stupid.

Welcome to Shades of Gray the daily blog that’s not quite daily these days. Or something.

I heard some pretty funny news that Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA for short) has offered Sarah Palin an honorary position in their company with a group of hot sluts known as the Beautiful People. While I do not consider Palin to be unattractive, I really do not see what the point of this is. Other than appealing to her ego this obvious publicity stunt is dumb even for professional wrestling standards. I know enough about hot, young, popular girls that teaming them with a cougar who has such poor taste in clothing a bunch of old white men had to pay for her new wardrobe is a huge mistake. Those girls will make her feel so self-conscious all the Ben and Jerry’s won’t help. After looking at her family I think a love triangle death match storyline involving Palin’s husband and this guy seems way more intriguing. TNA owner and president Dixie Carter, herself a very bangable MILF, had this to say.

“Governor Palin has combined her experiences as a wife and mother with her political savvy to prove to America and the world that politics aren’t just a man’s game. I know firsthand what challenges you have to face when breaking a glass ceiling in a male-dominated profession.”

My only question is, isn’t she still Governor of Alaska with a job to do?

Rumbling has already started over the upcoming teen girl goth vampire movie Twilight, which stars some very skinny, very pale, very feminine “heartthrob” named Robert Pattinson. According to my sources the film is already selling out for it’s debut weekend and the soundtrack has already hit number 1 on the charts. The first soundtrack to do that since that groundbreaking cinematic masterpiece 8 Mile. I for one will not be seeing the movie or it’s sequels because I cannot bring myself to watch this for hours on end.

Welcome back to the most influential, amazing, groundbreaking and…well, only daily blog here on epicdelrio.com, Shades of Gray. I of course am your guide, JGray. I have to say that finally getting this thing going feels pretty good, writing something every day doesn’t sound like a big deal until you try doing it but I can handle it, after all, I’m the Jugernaut bitch!

It’s time for me to rant a bit. I noticed my buddy Espo posted about all the new cameras on the eastbound 10 and I have to agree. It seemed like there were cameras every six feet when I was driving home the other day, something should be done about this. Not only are there a shit-ton of the photo cops, they are also positioned a lot lower to capture the perps faces which as Spinaca stated blinds your ass so you can get another ticket for causing a six car pile up while swerving through 3 lanes and t-boning a church group bus. Bravo. I know, I know, “But Jason, if you travel the speed limit you won’t have to worry.” Well, fuck that says I. The highway speed limits are bullshit, plus they alternate all the time just so they can catch “speeders”. 65,65,65,65,55 ha! Caught you lawbreaker, now deal with these fines suckas!

I was cruising around youtube and found some of the most amazing videos ever, I must share one with you all as it is my new goal in life to have EVERYBODY see Indian Superman. Spread the word.

I went to NASCAR the other day and saw a lot of this and this, I swear my brother and I had 8 more teeth combined than the rest of the 150,000+ in attendance. I actually ran into Foxxxy’s mom at the race and she gave me a sexy picture for the blog of herself getting ready for the big day. Enjoy!