I’m not sure how the rest of you woke up this morning, although I know I really don’t care, but I woke up to the unmistakable sound of panic and fear with just a hint of death in the air. “It’s a scorpion!!!!!” The words hit my eardrums with the force of an Evander Holyfield hook. “Good God” I thought to myself, “They’re back”. I sprung to action like a wolverine, ready to decimate my enemy with the quickness. I came to my senses and realized I couldn’t go rushing in, I wouldn’t stand a damn chance. “Don’t be a fool, remember what happened to Barry!” Ah Barry, stupid son of a bitch, if only he’d listened. I grabbed my weapon, a size 9 foam rubber flip flop with a 2 inch lift, this fucker stands no chance. I crawled to the doorway, crouched as low as I could and surveyed the landscape. It was quiet, I searched for any sign of movement. “Where are you?” I wondered to myself. I scanned the walls and ceilings, these pricks are clever, you can’t put anything past them. I was sure he could see me from wherever he was hiding, waiting for me to carelessly wander into the open, prone to an attack of epic proportions. “FUCK YOU SCORPION!” My defiance was obvious, my usually strong as steel nerves giving way to uncertainty. I tried to calm down, gather myself, center my chi, all that bullshit. One last look back, the woman was safely locked behind the bathroom door, “I pray we meet again”.
I entered the living room, ready for the fight of my life, no sign of the cocksucker. I turned the corner, there he was, staring me in the eye. We stood there, watching, waiting, wondering. What kind of sick torture could he possibly have in mind for us? I leaped to action, valiant victory shall be mine! The battle raged, my sinewy muscles rippled beneath my comfortable Hanes undershirt while my Merona boxer shorts struggled to contain my He-Man like thighs.
I have a photo of myself in action, slaying the mighty beast
When the dust had cleared I stood victorious over my fallen enemy , satisfied in a job well done.
“When will your kind learn?” I wondered. “Stay the fuck away or you will die”
Below is an artists rendition of my victory over the scorpion, enjoy.
