Category: General

Is anyone still out there?

So as most of you know, the events of the past 2 or 3 months has definitely taken it’s toll on me. From splitting up with kelly, the starting on meds, to rolling my car, it’s been a roller coaster to say the least. But there is one thing I do know. The Del Rio crew has helped me every step of the way. Without you guys, I would have had a much harder time dealing with all my shit. I owe every one of you guys the world. JT might be my only biological brother but every resident of the house is my true brother and everyone who spends the majority of their time over there is considered my family.

Since I’ve turned all my shit around, life has been great. I’m pretty constantly contendt with how things are going. But I can honestly say that every minute spent at del rio, is a moment that makes me look forward to the next.

This is my first post so expect more to come but I’m gonna keep this one short.

Shalom Bitches

In November of 2001 the Arizona Diamondbacks were playing in the World Series against the New York Yankees. It was one of the greatest series ever played, going back and forth until the very end. I was watching game 4 with my friend Matt at a great bar called Teakwoods in Chandler. Diamondbacks pitcher Byun Hun Kim blew the game for the second consecutive night and we were pissed. So pissed we decided the only thing to do was drink several pitchers of beer and as many Patron shots as possible. Once we decided that we had drank enough to sufficiently drive home without remembering any of the ride, we left Teakwoods in Matt’s truck. Upon our arrival at the house I promptly threw my roommate Chris out of his chair at the computer and into a wall, this of course being the proper way to greet a friend when hammered off tequila. Several people were at the house having a great time, lots of friends, lots of ladies. Matt passed out as soon as he hit the couch, I on the other hand was ready to party. One of my roommates, Melissa, took me aside to tell me about a conversation she had with my ex girlfriend and how she had cheated on me several times. This news upset me, so when I was offered the chance to go home with a couple of girl’s who were rolling on E I naturally accepted. I didn’t want to ride with the girls for fear of being stuck somewhere if it got uncomfortable or lame, so I decided to drive. My car was blocked in by several others, so I took Matt’s keys, a couple beers and off I went. By the time I realized what was going on I was almost to the girl’s place. I was doing 75 down Ray Rd. and listening to Hed(pe). I noticed how fast I was going and slowed it down to 50, then I tilted my head back to enjoy my frosty beverage and noticed a Police cruiser right behind me. BWEEEOOOOO! went the siren and flashing lights. Crap! He’ll never let me finish this second beer, I thought to myself. I pulled over and the officer asked for license and registration, stupid question since I had neither with me. The officer asked me about the strange multi colored glass jar he had seen fall from the glove compartment while I was searching for Matt’s Insurance info. “You never mind that, it’s not important” I told the piggy. He asked me out of the truck and I obliged. He asked me to step to the back of the truck and I obliged. He asked me to walked a straight line and I almost fell over. I casually leaned back against the truck and inquired if I were to admit being drunk would I still have to play all these silly games and he said “no, just turn around so I can put these handcuffs on you.” HA HA! I win! Wait, no I think I may have screwed myself.

The officer went back to the truck and poured out my open beer and left the full one on the sidewalk, my only consolation was the thought it would still be there waiting for me whenever I could come back.(It wasn’t, by the way) He also opened the glove compartment to find the glass jar, opened it and took a healthy wiff of it’s contents. When he came back to the car he told me he knew what was kept in there, “blueberry jam?” I asked. “If that’s what they’re calling it these days, he said. During this time the two girls on E must have wondered where I was because they showed up looking for me. Not satisfied with me being under arrest they decided to talk to the officer and try to get him to let me go. Not a good idea. One girl tried flashing him while the other tried rubbing on his arm, I’m pretty sure she was trying to steal his gun but it was dark and I was drunk. The girls failed in freeing me and the officer sent them on their way, I was going to jail!

To be continued….

You know, some days are just better than others. Some suck collossal cock and some just plain fucking rule. Some days are like having a diseased hooker shit all over your dick when you pull out of her ass and now you’re pissed off cause you’ve got hooker feces all over your balls and stuck to your leg and you gotta go back to work or school or your girlfriend’s or wherever. Then you’ve got to kill the hooker because at this point it’s a matter of principal, I mean you can’t just let hookers get away with shitting all over your dick(unless you’re into that sort of thing, then you probably gotta pay extra, you sick fuck). Your day just gets worse because guess what? The fucking shower at the No-Tell Motel you picked has plumbing problems and the shower doesn’t work. FUCK! So there you are, driving down the street, crotch reeking of excrement, hands covered in blood and a decapitated hooker in your trunk. Then it hits you, this is going to be one hell of a story to tell the grandkids, and you start to feel better. All of a sudden life doesn’t seem so bad and you realize that tomorrow is just another day away. Or you get caught and then you might be shitting all over Tyrone’s cock in the pen.

I recently resigned from work and have had a lot of time on my hands, I thought I might share some of the things that help make being unemployed a little more bearable.

First things first, weekends mean nothing, there’s no end to anything, just two more days exactly like the previous five. Showers are suddenly less more important and only necessary when you finally gross yourself out or your girlfriend says something about your rankness. Video games fill the void left from not having a job, this means they become much more important than they possibly should and they start to feel like work. “Shit, if I don’t get at least six games of Madden in today I’ll be behind schedule and never make the Superbowl by Thursday, I’d better pull an all-nighter.” Beer tastes so much better at 9:30am. Meals generally consist of some sort of chip. Afternoon television still sucks ass, even in this day and age. You usually call your friends at weird times just to see what they’re up to. They are usually annoyed and answer with either “working” or “sleeping”. The concept of daylight savings time becomes even less of a factor. Spending money becomes much less desirable.  You start thinking of “projects” because you are so bored, I have a strong desire to build something right now. Waking up at noon and taking a nap at 2:30 is more than acceptable. The internet is SO much fun, the only thing better than being unemployed is seeing what other unemployed people do with their time. You still don’t write all those emails you’ve been meaning to get to. The pizza delivery guy rarely wants to hang out.

All in all, being unemployed can be enjoyable, just make sure it doesn’t last too long.

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which One can die.
Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him Without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a Person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky…not really good for Anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble Down the stairs.
Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in Hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no Attention to criticism.
Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars And a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 – In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal Immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.